Confusion? Depression? What the Smeg am I Actually Doing?

It's that time of the week again when I say something to try and help me keep track of my life. I'm pleased to say that this week week went without a hitch, well almost without a hitch, there was a minor breakdown on Wednesday.

I'd like to start by saying simply that every one comes to that point in their life when they begin to doubt their sexuality, I've been in that point for over two years now. I don't know why I'm still there, but I am. I guess it has something to do with the simple fact my girlfriend wears the trousers in this relationship. I'm sure there is something wrong about me needed to force her to watch a romantic film with me, I'm sure there is something wrong with me dragging her on a shopping trip. Seriously, shouldn't those be the other way around?

So if you haven't guessed, I'm kind of confused. I suppose I just have slight self-esteem issues, I guess that's quite common amongst teenagers like myself, and if you couple it with my vanity I guess that just puts me in denial, so at least I'm finally realising and admitting my problems. But I get the feeling that is also quite common, and as far as I'm concerned my vanity helps me with my self-esteem issues on the short-term, and the long-term is too far away for me to give two shits about, (and trust me I can't actually throw one shit that far let alone two).

My minor breakdown on Wednesday was nothing serious, it's like every other teenage relation relationship problem but without the assistance of drugs, or alcohol, or sex, and it didn't end in me getting dumped. I guess that means it wasn't like every other relationship problem then, so never mind.

Now for the important part, what the smeg am I doing? to be perfectly honest, I have no clue. I've been running, I've been writing, I've not been paying attention in class, I've been wishing I owned a contrabassoon (or I could at least afford one), and I've surprised my music teacher with my knowledge of classical music. But those things aren't really going to help me get any where in my life.

The problem with being eighteen is that everyone expects you to know what it is you want to do, and to also know how you're going to go about doing it, yet with the way things are, I don't think I stand much of a chance in getting to where I want to go, especially since all my plans have been destroyed.

If you read my first post on this blog you'd know that I want to join the army as a soldier, that is Plan A, but a few things have happened which make that unlikely, number one is that the army is supposed to be reducing in size, which means my chances of getting in have also been reduced, number two is that the nearest recruitment centre has been demolished so the next nearest is too far far away, and number three, my only remaining option is to apply online, which is a big problem.

There is a simple reason as to why it has a big problem and that is because my doctor screwed up my medical report when I was about eighteen months old. My records say I'm allergic to penicillin, which I'm not, but of course if I put I'm not allergic to penicillin in the medical test my record will get viewed and they will see that it says I am, therefore I'll be rejected from the army for lying about my medical. the next problem is that there is no "further comments" box in that questionnaire so I can't explain myself. And the final problem is that this is my last shot, I can only apply twice every twelve months.

Plans B & C are less attainable, so they don't make very good back-up plans. Plan B is to become a firefighter: Plan C, an author. This means I need a Plan D and I have no idea what I want to do with my life that I could use as a Plan D, maybe I'll just some Cthulhu and have him destroy the world so i don't have to worry any more, but I doubt an elder god will listen to me, so he'll most likely destroy me instead (if he answers my summons of course).

The only Plan D I can think of I'm a bit late to act upon, and That's go to university, the problem is the course I want to take requires me to be grade six in an orchestral instrument, I'm currently working towards grade five in guitar, but I don't think that counts as an orchestral instrument, and finally I can't afford a contrabassoon.

On the upside my short story is coming along nicely, and I should be able to finish it this week and start work on my next one. I have a few stories in mind, but two of them are going to require a bit of practise beforehand, so that's why I'm writing the shorter stories first.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

If you cared to read either of my previous two blogs, and I highly doubt you have read the first, you would already know that I am a typical teenage lad, and I'm full of as much shit as every other teenage lad (or lass). But if you haven't (which Is more likely) I'd like to start out by telling you that I'm a typical teenage lad who is full of as much shit as every other teenage lad (or lass).

Now that  that is over and done with I can get onto the next bit, which is just me trying to tell you a little bit about myself, this may not be that interesting, but it may help understanding me in future blogs, so I will do my best to make it sound as enthralling as I can.

My name is George Booth, I'm 17 years old, and about 5'7 tall. Like everyone I used to follow the naive belief that I would soon become a star, I used to think that I had what it takes to be famous rock star, but if you read my last blog you would know that I don't. So my current ambition, is a much more simpler one, to join the British Army, after that it's the normal boring mundane stuff like buy a house, get married, have 2.3 perfect children, and own a Rolls Royce Phantom. OK owning a Rolls is taking that a little too far, but I think everyone in life truly aims to own their favourite car.

I guess the real question is why. Why do I want to join the army? Why have I given up on my previous ambition to be the next Alice Cooper? The answer is actually quite simple, in fact it can be cut down to just one word: school. Going to school is the thing that destroys dreams. Going to school is the thing that destroys ambitions. If it wasn't for all the teachers telling me what is and what isn't an "acceptable" choice in potential future employment, and making me think beyond the current time, I would still want to be a world renowned musician. But apparently rockstar is an "unacceptable" choice of potential future employment, so army it is.

It's not all doom and gloom though, remember in reception (or kindergarten as it's called everywhere except the UK) when you had to stand up and say "When I grow up I wanna be a [insert job title here]"? Well I said I wanted to be either a soldier or a firefighter, over the years that has changed many times, I've wanted to be a librarian, a vet, an author, an astronaut, a homicidal maniac and even a lab technician, but it's come full circle and I want to be a soldier again.

Of course they would never accept the lazy bastard that I used to be into the army, so I started training, and that gave me a new (inexpensive) hobby: running. Now I run about 18 miles a week (and I even do circuit training when I can). The reason I had to put "inexpensive" in those brackets earlier is because I'm terrible with money, so inexpensive hobbies are quite important. Which makes trying to get a Warhammer 40K army ridiculously hard. I should really blame myself for this but I will instead blame Steam.

Other than running, my hobbies are mostly musical and there is also sex. I am a big fan of music, as you should of guessed by now, in particular psychobilly, punk and metal. And seriously who doesn't like sex.

At the moment there aren't that many things going on in my life, I'm working on achieving grade 5 in my guitar lessons, and I'm also trying to save money, which is even harder now that my brother is badgering me, and Valentines Day is coming up so I have to do something special for my girlfriend, thankfully I have a batch of potential disappointment coming up next week as it will be my 18th birthday, by eldest brother Chaz has promised to take me clay-pigeon shooting, but he hasn't really done particularly well with his last few promises, and since I had a really big Christmas present, I doubt I'm going to get anything too fancy, maybe a Chocolate Orange, to be perfectly honest that would be perfect, I'd love a Chocolate Orange.

Since I mentioned it I may as well say at least something about my Christmas, I got 12 pairs of socks, I couldn't believe it, it would be a godsend, if I didn't already have a tonne of socks, what I really need is jeans and boxer shorts, not socks. admittedly I don't really like the idea of receiving boxer shorts of my brother, but oh well.

I'd like to end with a few favourites of mine.
In regards to music my favourite artists are; Alice Cooper, Iron Maiden, Nekromantix, Marilyn Manson, Blitzkid and Misfits.
In regards to books my favourites are; Frankenstein, Mogworld, The Inheritance Cycle and His Dark Materials.
In regards to films my favourites are; Star Wars, V for Vendetta, Alien, School of Rock and Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror.
In regards to television* my favourites are; One Piece, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sora No Otoshimono and Squid Girl.

One more thing, according to the definitions I can find, I'm officially a psychopath, but I haven't received a professional opinion as of yet.

* I don't actually like television