Please Allow me to Reintroduce Myself

I have been gone for quite awhile now, I haven't actually been anywhere, but I haven't posted in awhile. This has been for two simple reasons, first of which is that my schedule has been completely thrown into disarray, and secondly, I have been rather down. Any, since I have been gone for awhile, I thought I'd take this opportunity to reintroduce myself, as it has been about ten months since my initial introduction, and I have gone through quite a lot of changes since then.

I'd like to start off by saying that I am still a typical teenage lad, full of just as much shit as every other teenage lad. At the same time I'm not a typical teenage lad, since I spend a large portion of my time pretending to be a cat. Doing so has given me the nickname Kitty, and doing so keeps me very entertained.

Probably the biggest change that has occurred since my initial post is my relationship status, I've gone from being in the mostly stable relationship I was in when we started, to being single and pretty much friendless, from there I gained friends, followed by what would have been another mostly stable relationship if her mother wasn't a fascist dictator, to being single again, during that stage I became a bit depressed. Once I cheered myself up again, I was able to thrust myself into a new relationship which started on Tuesday, and now I'm about ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure that I am single once again. Go me.

There have of course been other changes that have happened since my initial post. I have formed a band, with my mate Nathan, I have started teaching other friends to play guitar, and I've even started at Stoke College, allowing me to make a few new friends, lads who I'm sure I'd normally not even think about associating myself with, but now we're pretty good pals.

These changes aren't really anything worth reintroducing myself because of though are they? Not really, or at least I don't think so. I have however, gone through a few more changes that aren't so physical. Namely my dreams ambitions, and my personal motto(s) . Last time I posted this I was looking forward to becoming an Infantry Soldier in the British Armed Forces, I'm now aiming to be a Musician for the army instead.

So about my dreams, I can't remember what they were when I last posted, I also can't remember if I posted them. I do know they have changed, for my current dream is to have a fairy tale romance with a woman whom I love. Back in my initial post, I strongly believed I had that, but since that relationship ended quite painfully, I must have been wrong, Also looking back on it, it amazes me that I even believed that in the first place.

My ambitions are a bit less far fetched, I just want to make it as a musician, either in the army, or in a band, or as a teacher. I don't really want to do any other job, although I'd accept being a luthier. I'd like to record an album at least, Which I plan on doing just as soon as I work out how I'd go about recording the drums, and also after writing at least thirty-five minutes worth of material.

I'd also like to endorse a worthy guitar company, and hopefully receive my own signature model guitar. The sad part of that is that I've planned out all the specifications of the instrument I can think of. If the company I currently want to produce my signature guitar actually do it, It'd most likely end up being the most expensive instrument they produce, probably down to the simple fact it has a nitrocellulose lacquer.

I know that last time I posted this I said nothing about my motto, well that is because I didn't actually have one back then. I now have two. The first motto came from an interview that Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein did with Premier Guitar. He said, "You don't have to be a great musician to make great music." I don't know if he made that up on the spot, rehearsed it, or copied it from someone else, but I'll continue to cite that quote as his, because he is the one who said it (albeit indirectly) to me.

The other motto came to me a few weeks ago, just after I proved a point. I said a short phrase to a friend of mine which just stuck in my head and rang several bells, "I may not know much shit, but I know my shit." Chances are I would have forgotten it, but since I italicized the "my" it clung to me, the statement has been changed slightly, but the message remains the same, as long as I know and stay true to myself I'll be happy.

Of course knowing myself also means acknowledging a few weaknesses of mine, such as my fears, and the various other little things that drive me to ruin, one of which is currently trying to drag me to hell (metaphorically) as I type this, but I think I've got it under control. That little problem is my tendency to feed off small slivers of hope, usually when I grasp onto one I cheer up like mad, but take that away and I fall further into my darker self.

Either way, I sit here now, dreaming silly dreams, debating my own silly beliefs. And wondering if there really is a Squid God. Perhaps that should be a silly little goal of mine, create my own religion, a religion in which the followers worship squids, and maybe other cephalopods.

I have a lot to think about....

Confusion? Depression? What the Smeg am I Actually Doing?

It's that time of the week again when I say something to try and help me keep track of my life. I'm pleased to say that this week week went without a hitch, well almost without a hitch, there was a minor breakdown on Wednesday.

I'd like to start by saying simply that every one comes to that point in their life when they begin to doubt their sexuality, I've been in that point for over two years now. I don't know why I'm still there, but I am. I guess it has something to do with the simple fact my girlfriend wears the trousers in this relationship. I'm sure there is something wrong about me needed to force her to watch a romantic film with me, I'm sure there is something wrong with me dragging her on a shopping trip. Seriously, shouldn't those be the other way around?

So if you haven't guessed, I'm kind of confused. I suppose I just have slight self-esteem issues, I guess that's quite common amongst teenagers like myself, and if you couple it with my vanity I guess that just puts me in denial, so at least I'm finally realising and admitting my problems. But I get the feeling that is also quite common, and as far as I'm concerned my vanity helps me with my self-esteem issues on the short-term, and the long-term is too far away for me to give two shits about, (and trust me I can't actually throw one shit that far let alone two).

My minor breakdown on Wednesday was nothing serious, it's like every other teenage relation relationship problem but without the assistance of drugs, or alcohol, or sex, and it didn't end in me getting dumped. I guess that means it wasn't like every other relationship problem then, so never mind.

Now for the important part, what the smeg am I doing? to be perfectly honest, I have no clue. I've been running, I've been writing, I've not been paying attention in class, I've been wishing I owned a contrabassoon (or I could at least afford one), and I've surprised my music teacher with my knowledge of classical music. But those things aren't really going to help me get any where in my life.

The problem with being eighteen is that everyone expects you to know what it is you want to do, and to also know how you're going to go about doing it, yet with the way things are, I don't think I stand much of a chance in getting to where I want to go, especially since all my plans have been destroyed.

If you read my first post on this blog you'd know that I want to join the army as a soldier, that is Plan A, but a few things have happened which make that unlikely, number one is that the army is supposed to be reducing in size, which means my chances of getting in have also been reduced, number two is that the nearest recruitment centre has been demolished so the next nearest is too far far away, and number three, my only remaining option is to apply online, which is a big problem.

There is a simple reason as to why it has a big problem and that is because my doctor screwed up my medical report when I was about eighteen months old. My records say I'm allergic to penicillin, which I'm not, but of course if I put I'm not allergic to penicillin in the medical test my record will get viewed and they will see that it says I am, therefore I'll be rejected from the army for lying about my medical. the next problem is that there is no "further comments" box in that questionnaire so I can't explain myself. And the final problem is that this is my last shot, I can only apply twice every twelve months.

Plans B & C are less attainable, so they don't make very good back-up plans. Plan B is to become a firefighter: Plan C, an author. This means I need a Plan D and I have no idea what I want to do with my life that I could use as a Plan D, maybe I'll just some Cthulhu and have him destroy the world so i don't have to worry any more, but I doubt an elder god will listen to me, so he'll most likely destroy me instead (if he answers my summons of course).

The only Plan D I can think of I'm a bit late to act upon, and That's go to university, the problem is the course I want to take requires me to be grade six in an orchestral instrument, I'm currently working towards grade five in guitar, but I don't think that counts as an orchestral instrument, and finally I can't afford a contrabassoon.

On the upside my short story is coming along nicely, and I should be able to finish it this week and start work on my next one. I have a few stories in mind, but two of them are going to require a bit of practise beforehand, so that's why I'm writing the shorter stories first.