Confusion? Depression? What the Smeg am I Actually Doing?

It's that time of the week again when I say something to try and help me keep track of my life. I'm pleased to say that this week week went without a hitch, well almost without a hitch, there was a minor breakdown on Wednesday.

I'd like to start by saying simply that every one comes to that point in their life when they begin to doubt their sexuality, I've been in that point for over two years now. I don't know why I'm still there, but I am. I guess it has something to do with the simple fact my girlfriend wears the trousers in this relationship. I'm sure there is something wrong about me needed to force her to watch a romantic film with me, I'm sure there is something wrong with me dragging her on a shopping trip. Seriously, shouldn't those be the other way around?

So if you haven't guessed, I'm kind of confused. I suppose I just have slight self-esteem issues, I guess that's quite common amongst teenagers like myself, and if you couple it with my vanity I guess that just puts me in denial, so at least I'm finally realising and admitting my problems. But I get the feeling that is also quite common, and as far as I'm concerned my vanity helps me with my self-esteem issues on the short-term, and the long-term is too far away for me to give two shits about, (and trust me I can't actually throw one shit that far let alone two).

My minor breakdown on Wednesday was nothing serious, it's like every other teenage relation relationship problem but without the assistance of drugs, or alcohol, or sex, and it didn't end in me getting dumped. I guess that means it wasn't like every other relationship problem then, so never mind.

Now for the important part, what the smeg am I doing? to be perfectly honest, I have no clue. I've been running, I've been writing, I've not been paying attention in class, I've been wishing I owned a contrabassoon (or I could at least afford one), and I've surprised my music teacher with my knowledge of classical music. But those things aren't really going to help me get any where in my life.

The problem with being eighteen is that everyone expects you to know what it is you want to do, and to also know how you're going to go about doing it, yet with the way things are, I don't think I stand much of a chance in getting to where I want to go, especially since all my plans have been destroyed.

If you read my first post on this blog you'd know that I want to join the army as a soldier, that is Plan A, but a few things have happened which make that unlikely, number one is that the army is supposed to be reducing in size, which means my chances of getting in have also been reduced, number two is that the nearest recruitment centre has been demolished so the next nearest is too far far away, and number three, my only remaining option is to apply online, which is a big problem.

There is a simple reason as to why it has a big problem and that is because my doctor screwed up my medical report when I was about eighteen months old. My records say I'm allergic to penicillin, which I'm not, but of course if I put I'm not allergic to penicillin in the medical test my record will get viewed and they will see that it says I am, therefore I'll be rejected from the army for lying about my medical. the next problem is that there is no "further comments" box in that questionnaire so I can't explain myself. And the final problem is that this is my last shot, I can only apply twice every twelve months.

Plans B & C are less attainable, so they don't make very good back-up plans. Plan B is to become a firefighter: Plan C, an author. This means I need a Plan D and I have no idea what I want to do with my life that I could use as a Plan D, maybe I'll just some Cthulhu and have him destroy the world so i don't have to worry any more, but I doubt an elder god will listen to me, so he'll most likely destroy me instead (if he answers my summons of course).

The only Plan D I can think of I'm a bit late to act upon, and That's go to university, the problem is the course I want to take requires me to be grade six in an orchestral instrument, I'm currently working towards grade five in guitar, but I don't think that counts as an orchestral instrument, and finally I can't afford a contrabassoon.

On the upside my short story is coming along nicely, and I should be able to finish it this week and start work on my next one. I have a few stories in mind, but two of them are going to require a bit of practise beforehand, so that's why I'm writing the shorter stories first.